(Yes, this is one of my emotional posts, are you ready?) I think fashion means very differently from an individual to another. Some think fashion as an output of expressing themselves, some think fashion as a chore/work, some think fashion as an exploration, whereas some think fashion as something used to impress others. There could be other meanings of fashion to other people, but for me, I think fashion as more of a shield, a cover-up, a make-up.
I started to be interested in fashion when I was 14 years old, when before that, I just really relied on my mom to pick out clothes/shopping or when I made some of the worst fashion choices (come on, we've all been there). It was quite a funny story how I decided to delve into fashion. All I could say was I became really self-conscious of what other people thought of me. I wanted to be the 'cool' kid everyone wants to be friends with or one of the 'popular' kids whom everyone in school knows. And this was the biggest mistake I've made in my life so far; to allow other people's thoughts to invade my life.
Fashion Season @ Orchard 2010
From then on, when puberty strike on me, things got a lot worse. My self-esteem went winding down even up until now as an 18-year old. It completely destroys you like a creature eating up from your insides. It restricts you on what you want to do, you feel trapped in invisible bars, and it makes you set your limitations, a control-freak over yourself. There's always a voice saying "No, you can't do that", "No, you are not capable of doing that", "No, who do you think you are?". It REALLY kills you (figuratively) and I'm NOT proud to say that. A stranger or a non-stranger could come up to me and comment on my (unspoken) flaws, and I tear up or get angry at that person. Some nights, my thoughts coupled with these comments can get so negative that I cry, just thinking of it, to sleep. I became no longer "truly happy".
From then on, I've always been using fashion as a cover-up for my 'shortcomings', my 'imperfections'. When people say how fashion expresses yourself, I always thought "Nah, the fashion is better/prettier than me"; and so I hide behind them, like it's my shield. I think this is what shaped my love for fashion (sorry for this uninspiring post so far). But then I still think to myself; "what's the use of pretty clothes when you're not up to it?"(again, sorry for this uninspiring post so far) I think it's very important to know "how to love thyself", but I know not of it so far, or perhaps I know but don't dare to.
But for starters, I want less people to feel the way I feel. Everyone of us is unique in our own ways, don't even start being self-conscious of yourself. Thinking you are ugly yourself does not help a bit, but only destroys you bit by bit until you are left with nothing. I have been pushing other people away in my life who I thought is important, and I don't want this to happen to any of my readers. You only live once, live it well and know you deserve it.
one of my favorite photos before the monster crept into me
That's all lovelies